Lucy's Birthday

It was May 14th 2020. Another day in a year that had the out of order sign placed over many countries. Our ability to waltz amongst shopping centres, attend church, play sport or eat out had been kneecapped. Plenty of jobs were lost, more left in uncertainty and anxiety grew. My year was largely unaffected as I prepared myself to become a father. Then May 14 came around. My wife had a perfect pregnancy, and we would laugh at how easy it had been except for the ever-burdensome load she carried. Labour niggled at Lauren before bedtime on the 13th and by midnight we drove through the still evening to the hospital. Just after breakfast our daughter was ready for her life to begin. A handful of doctors and medical personnel were prompted by alarm of her impeding and improper delivery and were ready to greet her. She did not scream at them as she was swept limply away and placed adjacent to us, she just lay there breathless as they tried to resuscitate her. The dictionary would not be able to define my moments of confusion and despair, my heart wrenched by her fragility and our time with her appeared short. Vainly I tried to deal with this situation in my mind as I hoped for this little one to breath. My hope was not forlorn, she breathed and would keep doing so by assistance for several days until she could on her own. Lucy lay hooked up to anything necessary for her survival, my hand touched her cold bare skin, and I knew I loved her.

Lack of oxygen for however long had left a mark on her with the injury to the brain known as Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy, three words you would rather not memorize. These words meant nothing to me at the time, all I knew was we were off to Hobart. The next 25 days were a deep dark delicious dish of self-pity and grief. The servings were always cold, yet so tempting to indulge in. I feel I would have been a continual glutton had I not the foundation upon which I stand. A foundation that I have toiled over which will help in future times unbeknownst to me and I thank God I had it. God’s word in my life is what I needed in that time to help me to be the husband I promised to be and to form myself as a father. My choice of being resentful and broken were engulfed by the desire to live the way I have aimed to since becoming a Christian. The parable of building on a solid foundation did not come to my mind at the time yet I had put into practice by default. “Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.” Matthew 7:24-27. This is how we should build our lives so that the torrents of life will not sweep us away. Something which inspired and challenged me during Hobart was this quote from Ross Ulbricht. “The difference between misery and joy is acceptance and gratitude. It’s available to each of us every moment.” The merits to this enabled me to be grateful for things around me when I wanted to succumb to the numbness of it all.

Lucy’s next 31 days in hospital in Burnie were no easy task and her later diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy has been a bitter pill. It has been painful and pain can be dealt with. Pain is a reality in life that needs to be approached with a knowing that you can find comfort during it. My verse for this came from 2 Corinthians 1:4. “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” This was what I needed, and I couldn’t withhold it, I felt I couldn’t offer my wife much in the gloom, but this helped. A lot of the pain we share is the trauma of the event and the grief of feeling that our daughter was robbed of the person she could have been. This is not a thought I like to ponder on, however, expectation can burden you when unfulfilled. I did not receive happiness from her birth, something I thought would be natural. This year has trampled a lot of expectations and they would never have fulfilled me anyway. It has been a year of growing and I have grown most in Christ. It was the year I could attempt to live in the fullness of Christ through what I have learnt in the gospel message. It was not to be spent in the expectation of happiness. I am possibly coming across sounding quite melancholy and joyless. This is not who I am though, these were feelings. I am hopeful for my daughter and will love her regardless of her incapacity. The road ahead may still be hard and we choose to be led by God through it. Today we celebrate her 1st birthday and we look forward to who she will become and not looking back on what we may have lost. What we have lost was never meant to be, there is something better ahead. She will be and is loved and she will know that.